When Your Work Becomes Your Identity
Work Enmeshment: How it Quietly Takes Over Who We Are
Think about the question we often ask every wide-eyed, seven-year-old: What do you want to be when you grow up?
What seems like an innocent inquiry into a child’s dreams—becoming a president, astronaut, or entrepreneur—reveals a deeper societal norm: that what we do professionally defines who we are. We don’t ask kids what they want to do; we ask what they want to be. This subtle wording shows how intertwined professional identity and personal identity have become in our society.
We don’t ask kids what they want to “do”; we ask what they want to “be”
For generations, a career was dictated to someone by their family, they inherited a career and the associated identity. If the father was a carpenter, the children would follow suit; if the family were farmers, the children would follow suit. If the family were merchants, children would follow suit. An individual’s profession shaped identity so much that it dictated last names. Consider the last names: Carpenter, Butcher, Butler, Mason, Porter.
You likely subconsciously do this today when you put people you meet in your phone- Amy (Lawyer), Bashir (Doctor) etc. You don’t know their last names; instead, you identify them by their first name + profession. There is even a name for the idea that our names can subconsciously influence our profession. It is called “nominative determinism,” which refers to the idea that people are called to a job that matches their names. Nominative determinism is a part of “implicit egotism,” a subconscious tendency that attracts us to the things that remind us of ourselves.
Beyond the subconscious, there is no denying that our work is a significant indicator of identity and status. But overly blurring the lines between our work and our identities, whether subconscious or intentional, can lead to a potentially harmful state called ‘enmeshment.’
What is Work-Related enmeshment?
Work enmeshment occurs when the boundaries between who we are and what we do blur to the point that they become indistinguishable. It’s a phenomenon where professional life takes over personal identity. Individuals experiencing work enmeshment may prioritize work over all other aspects of life—personal values, relationships, and even health.
This shows up in various ways: spending more time at work than with family, abandoning personal values to conform to workplace norms, sacrificing hobbies, and constantly thinking or talking about work. Modern "hustle culture" only reinforces this, with phrases like, “If you love your work, it’s not work” or “This is a 24/7 job”, fostering environments that encourage overwork and presentism.
The Risk of Career Enmeshment
We spend more time working than almost anything else, except sleeping. But allowing work to define us entirely opens us up to significant risks. Life transitions like job loss, retirement, or even taking a break for personal reasons can be devastating for someone whose identity is tied to their career. Without a sense of self outside of work, these individuals often struggle to adapt to life changes.
Dr. Janna Koretz, a clinical psychologist in Boston, founded Azimuth Psychological to help people struggling with their relationship with work. In her Harvard Business Review article, she highlights how career enmeshment stems from a combination of high achievement, intense competition, and cultures that glorify overwork. These forces work together to shape people’s identities and self-worth, often to the detriment of their mental health.
Dr. Koretz also describes the elaborate systems that reinforce the idea of career enmeshment, including:
Work cultures that reward long hours and overwork.
The value and pressure families place on specific careers that elevate an individual’s social status.
The allure of wealth, achievement, and influence which is tied to high levels of professional attainment.
How do you know if your sense of self and identity has been lost to the work and success machine? Dr. Koretz offers a career enmeshment test that will help you identify your current risk for or degree of enmeshment.
Breaking Free for Work Enmeshment
The suggested remedies for work enmeshment are similar to suggestions for addressing overwork in general:
Set boundaries around your work and start spending time on non-work-related activities
Take the time to reflect on and reevaluate your values, skills, goals, and ambitions both for work and beyond the scope of your career. Define what you want from life beyond the scope of your career.
Explore other things you enjoy and connect with things beyond your work or tasks tied to being “productive.”
Invest in your non-work-related social circle and relationships. Foster your social health by widening or deepening meaningful relationships.
Don’t go it alone. When we find our identities entrapped in our work, it can be tough to untangle them, and the support of a therapist or others is often needed.
The world’s obsession with work and success needs a re-calibration, but that re-calibration can’t happen when our work is enmeshed in our identity. To re-calibrate our relationship with work, we first need to see our work as separate and distinct from who we are. To break free from the not-so-subtle forces pulling us into a state of work enmeshment, we must redefine success and our identities to include all aspects of our lives
Until next time. Take care of yourself and those around you.
In Partnership,
Nabeela