The Mirage of Workplace Friendships
Loneliness Isn't a Workplace Problem: Why the cure lies outside the fleeting bonds of workplace relationships.
"In the sweetness of friendship let there be laughter, and sharing of pleasures. For in the dew of little things the heart finds its morning and is refreshed."
– Khalil Gibran
You might have recently come across a Harvard Business Review article titled “We’re Still Lonely at Work: It’s Time for Organizations to Take a New Approach.” This article highlights research conducted by Constance Hadley and Sarah Wright, based on a broader body of work sponsored by The Institute for Life at Work. Their findings offer meaningful insights into workplace relationships, debunking some widely accepted myths about social connectedness at work. I agree with many of their practical recommendations, such as building slack into employees' workflows, fostering a culture of connection, and integrating socialization into work rhythms. These are sensible strategies that are relatively easy to implement and can yield positive outcomes.
However, I hit a roadblock when Hadley and Wright concluded that “work loneliness is an epidemic” and that their proposed interventions could be the cure, resulting in a “happier, healthier, more productive workforce.” This is where I disagree.
Loneliness: A Global Crisis
Loneliness is undeniably a growing epidemic with profound public health implications. Research has shown that being socially disconnected is more detrimental to one’s health than obesity or physical inactivity. It increases the risk of cardiovascular disease, dementia, stroke, and premature death. The World Health Organization reported in 2023 that over 33% of adults globally experience loneliness. In the U.S., a 2021 Harvard report revealed that 36% of Americans including 61% of young adults and 51% of mothers with young children suffer from serious loneliness.
Against this backdrop, it’s no surprise that the effects of loneliness have seeped into workplaces. Yet, when loneliness is so pervasive across society, should workplaces really be the epicentre of tackling this crisis? When did the loneliness epidemic get centered around our relationships at work?
The Workplace Friendship Mirage
Gallup popularized the phrase, “I have a friend at work,” as a key metric of employee engagement after research found that employees with workplace friendships were seven times more likely to feel engaged. This sparked excitement in HR circles because it seemed like a low-hanging fruit. Build connections, and engagement will follow. The prescription? Social calendars packed with events, free food, and team-building activities. Yet despite these efforts, a recent Gallup poll revealed that one in five U.S. employees still report feeling lonely at work.
It’s easy to see why people assume workplace friendships would solve loneliness. After all, most of us spend more time at work than anywhere else, apart from sleeping. But as an HR leader, I found myself questioning the value of workplace friendships. Concerns about favoritism, unclear boundaries, and navigating the awkwardness of making friends at work all compounded my unease. Workplace friendships often exist in a gray zone where professional dynamics, organizational politics, and genuine personal connection overlap uncomfortably.
This is where my question about the value of forming friendships at work originated. If we think about true friends, we are looking for someone who has our back, who understands us, and with whom we have some overlapping interests. When you add money, promotions, and office politics, all inherently competitive, the friendship groundwork feels different. I didn’t know it then, but my uneasiness wasn’t just me.
The Dark Side of Workplace Friendships
The tensions and concerns I felt and experienced have been echoed in research conducted by Julianna Pillemer and Nancy Rothbard in their influential paper Friends Without Benefits: Understanding the Dark Sides of Workplace Friendship (2018). Pillemer and Rothbard expose the often-overlooked downsides of workplace friendships. Their study challenges the simplistic notion that workplace friendships are universally beneficial and highlights how these relationships can hinder individual performance, team dynamics, and organizational trust.
The adverse side effects that Pillemer and Rothbard discovered were almost precisely what I sensed as risks. Their findings reveal how friendships at work blur professional boundaries, introduce conflicts of interest and can disrupt team dynamics. Their findings suggest that the very characteristics that make friendships valuable—trust, emotional connection, and loyalty can become sources of tension and disruption when introduced into professional settings.
While workplace friendships can boost morale, Pillemer and Rothbard’s research shows they can also breed favoritism, erode perceptions of fairness, and create tension when personal loyalty clashes with professional responsibilities. Their work serves as a critical reminder that workplace camaraderie, while valuable, is not without its downsides.
The Fragility of Workplace Bonds
The modern workplace is fraught with uncertainty and instability, making it an unstable place to form long-term friendships. Layoffs, economic downturns, and the rise of gig work have further destabilized job security. How many workplace friendships truly survive when someone is laid off or moves to a new role? Studies show that only a fraction of these relationships endure beyond the workplace. Most workplace friendships are circumstantial, fading as soon as the shared context of work disappears.
Now, before you cast me off as a socially awkward introvert who doesn’t like to socialize (which is not the case), my argument is that building friendships is hard, really hard, and maintaining them even harder. Why add more fuel to the friendship bonfire by adding workplace dynamics, drama, and instability into the mix?
Belonging Beyond the Office
Workplace loneliness is only one piece of a much larger problem. Globally, loneliness is a symptom of a much larger societal issue. Loneliness stems from a misalignment between an individual’s social needs and their environment. Addressing this misalignment requires strengthening bonds in areas of life beyond work—family, community, and shared public spaces.
The human need to belong is universal, but the workplace should not be the sole source of that belonging. Community organizations, religious institutions, hobbies, and family relationships provide more stable and fulfilling avenues for connection. Research consistently shows that relationships outside of work are stronger predictors of long-term well-being than workplace friendships.
Encouraging participation in community activities, volunteering, or simply spending more time with loved ones can create enduring networks of support. To do all these things with more focus and presence, we need to spend less time at work.
A Better Path Forward
While improving social connectedness at work is worthwhile, it should not be the primary focus for addressing loneliness. The workplace is transient, subject to the ebb and flow of economic shifts and personal career trajectories. Efforts to combat loneliness should focus on areas that offer stability and permanence—family, neighborhoods, and broader community ties.
Loneliness is not just about having relationships; it’s about having the right relationships. Addressing loneliness requires us to look beyond the workplace and invest in building meaningful, enduring connections across all areas of life. Workplaces can play a supportive role, but they are not a cure-all.
By shifting our focus to community, family, and shared spaces, we can create the conditions for true belonging—a sense of connection that persists, no matter where we work. Let’s broaden our perspective and tackle loneliness where it matters most.
Until next time. Take care of yourself and those around you.
In Partnership,
Nabeela