“The road to burnout is paved with yeses we regret.”
-Nabeela
Let’s face it: a lot of us struggle with saying no. We want to be helpful, available, and agreeable. But that knee-jerk “yes” often leads to yes regret — that sinking feeling when the thing you committed to gets closer, and you’re spending your time plotting how to get out of it.
I’ve been there. I remember agreeing to speak at a conference over the weekend. I didn’t think through the implications—two full days away from my family for an event I was doing pro bono. As the weekend approached, regret kicked in hard. I felt overwhelmed by guilt, stress, and the wish that I had just said no. Ironically, I was relieved when my husband had an unexpected situation arise. It sounds terrible, but the unexpected situation (which wasn't great) became my escape hatch.
That moment forced me to confront my pattern of overcommitting and reevaluate how I make decisions.
Here’s what I’ve learned about overcommitting and what can help you avoid yes regret.
Ask Yourself Three Key Questions
Next time you’re tempted to say yes, pause and ask yourself these questions:
1. Am I the right person for this?
Sometimes, we say yes out of obligation, even when we’re not the best fit. Maybe someone else is better equipped for the task. Or maybe you’re simply not interested. Let me make this clear—if you're not interested, you're not the right person.
So, if you’re not the right person, just say no.
2. What’s in it for me?
Yes, we need to do things that are not self-serving. Service to others and our community is essential, but this isn’t about being selfish; it’s about being intentional. If the opportunity doesn’t directly benefit you, that’s fine, but be clear on your reasons. Are you volunteering your time? Is it something you genuinely care about? I get pro bono and volunteer requests all the time- so I have had to be very specific about the type of organizations and efforts I want to volunteer my time to.
Ensure you’re not blindly committing to things that don’t align with your priorities.
3. What’s the cost of saying yes?
Every yes is a no to something else. By agreeing to that conference, I was saying no to a weekend with my family. Ask yourself: What am I giving up by saying yes to this? Is it worth it?
Recognizing the trade-offs can help you make better decisions.
The Spectrum of Yes and No
People often think of decisions as binary—a strict yes or no. But I’ve found that decisions actually fall along a spectrum. This spectrum is something I use all the time in both big and small decisions, personal and professional:
A Hard and Clear NO: This is an easy one. It doesn’t serve you, you’re not interested, the timing is all wrong, or the trade-off is too high. Just say no.
I Don’t Know: You’re on the fence. There are some benefits but also some complex trade-offs. In these cases, reflect on the key questions above to gain clarity. If the answer is still not clear, listen to your gut. If your gut says NO, say NO. If your gut says- yes, then figure out if it is a clear yes or a yes, but not now.
Yes, But Not Now: It’s a good opportunity, but the timing isn’t right. Communicate that clearly. For example, “I’d love to do this, but I’m fully committed right now. Can we revisit in a few months?”
A Clear Yes: It’s a resounding yes—the opportunity aligns with your goals, you have the capacity, it’s a beneficial opportunity, and you’re excited about it.
Understanding this spectrum gives you more control and flexibility. It’s not just about saying no—it’s about making intentional choices about exerting your time, talent and energy across your personal, professional and communal responsibilities.
Okay, once you’ve decided whether it’s a yes or a no, you still have to communicate that decision, and that’s where most people get stuck. Below are a few go-to phrases to have in your pocket for the “no” discussion.
Practical Models for Saying No
Ways to “No” with confidence:
The Absolute No:
If it’s a clear no, be direct. For example, “Thanks for thinking of me, but I can’t take this on right now.” Avoid saying anything more. Ladies, this is important because women often feel the need to explain/justify decisions, so especially for all the women out there, you don’t have to justify this decision. No long explanations are needed.
The Delegation No:
If you’re not the right person, suggest someone else: “I’m not the best fit for this, but have you considered [Person X]?”
The Smaller Scope No:
If you need to set boundaries but want to maintain goodwill, say: “I can’t commit to that right now, but I’m happy to support in [a smaller, defined way].”
The Delayed Yes:
If you’re interested but busy, try: “This sounds great, but my schedule’s packed. Can we touch base in a few months?”
Final Thoughts
I am a huge advocate for protecting your peace. I also firmly believe that we need to exert more effort and energy on social good and communal benefit, even if it doesn’t serve a specific individual.
There is no hard rule on when to be selfish for self-care and when to exert yourself for the benefit of others. What’s important to know is that for the overachiever or people-pleaser, the yes guilt is real, and not being comfortable with saying “No” can create a damaging rabbit hole of self-sacrifice.
The trick is to find a process that helps you have peace with your yeses and noes. It’s not just about avoiding overwhelm; it’s about creating space for the things that truly matter. So next time you’re faced with a decision, take a breath, ask the right questions, and remember: your time and energy are valuable.
Choose wisely.
Until next time, take care of yourself and those around you.
In Partnership,
Nabeela
BONUS!
For those reading this on the Substack app, playing the audio, and wondering what the heck that is, this is the sound that comes from my “NO button.” It's an actual button I bought several years ago when I was CHRO at IKEA in the US and running an absolutely gigantic and all-consuming project.
It was and still is a visual and verbal reminder to say NO, not now, or I don’t know; I have had it for years, and it still sits proudly on my desk. As an extra perk, it's also great to use with the kids—you can easily find it on Amazon.
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